Shadow Talk

Friday, September 4th my friend, Becky and Tracy gathered here at my home to watch TSE.   As it was Becky’s copy, we felt honored to be included in her first viewing and no one really knew what to expect even though we sat down armed with tissues and our water bottles.  From the first image to the last we sat transfixed.  Familar faces (those teachers each of us knew as special) drove points home with poignant stories and we were equally impressed by the emotional energy shared by those we were meeting for the first time.  I don’t remember precisely when it happened but soon I began to hear sniffling and tissues being used by my friends, their hearts were touched and as the emotions were running high, I wanted to give them their privacy.  I, on the other hand, sat here cheering and whooping because I was feeling incredibly validated by what I was hearing not only from the guest teachers but Debbie’s wisdom.  My throat lump came when the segment from the workshop came up and everyone was hugging and forgiving each other, at that point I felt a deeply compelling shadow choking the breath out of me.  I was convinced no one would ever forgive me for anything that horrible.  I sat there with those painful feelings for the rest of the film.  As luck would have it fate lent a hand and when the credits were rolling, Becky made the comment that she wished there had been interviews with people who hurt people and not just those who were hurt.   She felt it woudl help her to understand how this type of work helped those people deal with what they had done, perhaps turned their lives around as she really wanted to cultivate an understanding of those who victimized others.  I took a deep breath and told her I could help her with that and with my two loving friends sitting there, I brought out my shadow.  I wasn’t expecting to do this and even though there had been 30 + years since this time in my life it was as though I wore a banner speaking all manner of hatred against myself.  I really don’t recall which one said it, I only remember hearing one of my buds pointing out that I denied myself happiness because I didn’t feel I deserved it.  In that moment I saw how in so many ways I kept myself just always this side of happiness, how I would self sabotage and justify for reasons other than what the shadow represented.  I had created a reality I could use as an excuse because I was terrified to face the real issue.   Even though there was much forgiveness and permission for forgiveness that day, I am still reassuring myself that I am am forgiven and making strides to allow myself to be happy.  After all these years it is like coming out of solitary confinement in a dungeon into the sunshine, an adjustment.   Thank you, Debbie for your wisdom borne of pain has helped me find a new reason to be happy.

In gratitude and love, I send you PEACE!   Annette

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